Welcome, Readers of November’s Carnival of Breastfeeding! After you read this, check out the other great posts on the theme of “Breastfeeding Experiences in the Hospital” linked at the bottom of this post.
It is a beautiful gesture when friends and family come to the hospital to be among the first to see and hold the new baby and congratulate the parents. But the best way to support the new family may be to stay away, at least for the first few days.
I don’t want to be antisocial. The birth of a baby is a huge cause for celebration, and it’s important for the new parents to feel support from friends and family. But the reality is, mothers and their newborns need some space for a while, especially while in the hospital. Here’s what new moms and babies need to be doing in the first few days, and how visitors (birth partner not included) can interfere.
Skin-to-skin contact
A baby needs to be with its mother. Not down the hall in the newborn nursery, not in a bassinet across the room from its mother, but snuggled up to the warmth of her bosom. There is rapidly growing evidence supporting the importance of skin-to-skin contact (cuddling the naked baby on mother’s bare chest), especially in the first several hours after birth. This close contact obviously increases access to breastfeeding, but it also reduces crying, helps regulate the baby’s temperature, aids in bonding, and improves success at breastfeeding. Babies held skin-to-skin for the first 3 hours are much more likely to leave the hospital fully breastfeeding. (For more on skin-to-skin contact and breastfeeding, I highly recommend reading this handout by Dr. Jack Newman.)
Most moms will cover up when visitors arrive, keeping a barrier between herself and the baby. Visitors can also interfere with skin-to-skin contact simply by holding the new baby. There’s nothing like holding a newborn, but a visiting Auntie’s or great-grandfather’s arms just can’t compete with Mama’s breast for the warmth, comfort, and nourishment that are so vital in the first few days of the baby’s life.
Rest
Whether she had a vaginal delivery or a c-section, the mother’s body needs to heal and recover. She needs every moment of sleep possible. Newborns don’t make this easy, nor do they sleep on a predictable schedule. When baby sleeps, mom had better close her eyes and follow suit. Recovering from childbirth in a hospital is challenging enough with interruptions for medications, the infant hearing screen, paperwork, bloodwork, food service workers taking your meal order, etc. Add visitors, no matter how important they are, and you are left with literally no time to rest.
Breastfeeding often and on-demand
Babies need the comfort and nutrition of the breast. Newborns can take a looong time to nurse, and they need to nurse often. Breastfeeding can take some work and practice, and in the first few days when the baby is learning, it can demand the mother’s full attention. It’s hard to breastfeed modestly when you’re both learning what to do. When my son was born and we were struggling to get started breastfeeding, I couldn’t use a nursing cover. I needed full view of my own breast, and had to repeatedly break my son’s latch and try again and again. I’ve talked to many mothers who delayed breastfeeding because they weren’t comfortable with this level of exposure.
A word of advice
If you are a mother-to-be, consider delaying visitors until after you are settled at home, or limit it to just one or two close people who are supportive of your breastfeeding plans. It might feel rude and selfish to turn away well-meaning friends and family. But they should understand. You might enlist a husband or mother to act as gatekeeper, as my friend did, thanking visitors for coming but gently sending them away to allow the new mother and baby to rest.
If you are a friend or family member, find out what the mother’s wishes are regarding visitors. Before the baby is born, if possible. If your presence is going to prevent her from keeping the baby at her breast, consider delaying your visit.
My husband and I didn’t allow any visitors other than my mother and his father. I couldn’t wait to see friends and show off my son, but I was glad we made that decision. We had a hospital birth, but I wonder if it’s different with a home birth. Without all the interruptions from hospital staff, and a bit more control over your own schedule, I imagine visitors might be easier to accommodate.
How do you feel about welcoming, or turning away, new-baby-visitors in the hospital? Did visitors hinder, or help, your early breastfeeding experience?
Other Carnival of Breastfeeding Posts:
Breastfeeding 1-2-3: Breastfeeding experiences in the hospital
Momma’s Angel: My hospital experience in Norway
Hobo Mama: Breastfeeding support: A tale of two hospitals
Whozat: The nipple intervention
The Beautiful Letdown: Breastfeeding in the hospital
Motherwear’s Breastfeeding Blog: Had a good or bad experience in the hospital? Tell them!
Breastfeeding Mums Blog: Breastfeeding experiences in the hospital
I totally agree, even though to family it might just seem like I’m antisocial!
I had to go home from the hospital to get some decent rest. The nurses just wouldn’t stop coming in and turning on lights and raising the blinds and talking to us. Only my sister-in-law visited in the hospital, because she wouldn’t take no for an answer and found her own way to our room to surprise us, but we didn’t tell anyone else local about the birth until after we were home. Our parents wanted to fly out (they live across the country) right around the due date, but we made them delay for 2-3 weeks, and I’m so glad we did. There’s enough fiddliness going on when you’re learning to breastfeed without worrying that your dad or father-in-law is going to catch an awkward glimpse of something!
When I wrote about this subject before on my blog, I had some commenters mention that it would have been nice, though, to have had in those first days, either at the hospital or at home, some supportive and helpful family members or friends who were comfortable with breastfeeding and who would help with the house, with the mother’s needs, and so on, without separating mother and baby. I also agree with this, if you can find it! Since I couldn’t, we chose solitude.
Hello, I’m a nurse student and this post is very helpul to me. Thank you!
It is definitely easier with a homebirth. If visitors come to your home, they almost always call first. At the hospital, you’re more likely to get drop-ins. And people are much less likely to barge into your bedroom, or poke their head through the door to peek at you and your baby. And it’s almost inevitable that your baby will be placed immediately on your chest at home. Newborn exams are not usually done until one or two hours after the birth, so mama gets to hold baby skin-to-skin, and let baby experiment with nursing right away. At home, baby is usually born into a quiet, dim, warm room, so the birth process itself is often more gentle than in a hospital, which is helpful in keeping baby calm, aiding in his/her breastfeeding success.
Love your blog, Christina.
I think it is important that moms feel comfortable making whatever plans are best for their families. With my first child, he was born on a Thursday, and we were in the hospital until Sunday. I remember at times feeling overwhelmed with the number of visitors we had. I wasn’t comfortable asking people to leave when they had stayed a bit too long. With my second child, he was born on a Sunday, and we were in the hospital until Wednesday. I was SO bored and ready to get out of there. I was hoping and praying someone would come relieve me from my boredom. I think it all depends on the mom and what she wants. I have definitely become more sensitive to mom’s signals about visitors after having my experiences.
I was one of the allowed visitors. It is very important to remember who is important after the birth – Mom and baby.
I spent something like 20 hours in the hospital over a couple of days. 90% of the time was in waiting areas. I had moved the month the baby was born to be near the family. I wanted to help. So I was glad to be at the hospital and available. I kept Christina’s mom company and I went and got food for people a couple of times.
I was happy to see my grandson some – when it was comfortable for Christina. If you are on someone’s short list for visiting after the birth, keep in mind it is all about them. Your cuddling the baby or the new mom sharing her feelings will come later.
I am very glad and honored to have been at the hospital.
Dad, thanks so much for being there. It meant so much for me to know that you were around even when you weren’t in the room with us.
my second baby is 10wks & before her birth I sent a letter to every member of our family asking for no gifts for the new baby (we already had everything) and instead to bring us homecooked meals, or bread/milk, or help with our older son’s childcare. And reminded everyone that fter my c-section I’d need rest, do to delay visits. It worked a treat and only close friends visited in hospital, where I stayed for a week, and then I stayed in bed for another week at home, and the few visitors I got at that point were made very uncomfortable by me in bed and did not stay long. Many friends brought meals for us, played with our son or took him out. Perfect to get nursing going.
I agree, visitors do complicate things, and not just for breastfeeding. It is so hard to try and play hostess when you should be resting. For my first daughter’s (hospital) birth, I found I barely had time to eat because even if the baby was asleep when my meal came, someone would come by for a visit. I was so happy to see them, but I should’ve asked them to come to the house later on. I worked in the hospital, though, so several of them were my coworkers who were already in the building.
For my second daughter’s homebirth, things were easier. I think people are a little more reluctant to pop by someone’s house for some reason. Also, meals came whenever I wanted them and I felt a lot more comfortable greeting guests. I also didn’t have the nurses to contend with. It’s not that nurses aren’t helpful; it’s just hard to get any rest with all their checking in and stuff.
When my daugther was born in 2006, I had a c-section so was in the hospital for a few days. My dad and mother in law visited, but since both were from far away, we felt like we couldn’t kick them out. I remember being so tired but feeling like it was rude to sleep…how silly I was!! As far as nursing goes, I’ve never been shy about it. I would just do what needed to be done and my dad and MIL would leave or at least turn away…but I never compromised breastfeeding because of their presence. With my son who was born in March, I had a VBAC, and the plan was to have no visitors for one day….well, my husband convinced me to have my MIL come and our babysitter since she was doing us a favor by watching my daughter. Big mistake. I still regret not sticking to my guns. I felt HORRIBLE as this was only 5 hours after delivery (my VBAC was way worse than my csection). Not only did I have to play hostess, but my husband, daughter and I had not really had the chance to bond with Carter and here we had to pass him around. My sitter only stayed a few minutes, but MIL was a different story. Carter was having a hard time latching on, and my daugher was acting out because things were different, and I was hurting, and my MIL was in the mix of it all. If I could do it all over again…no visitors the first day. Now, after saying all that, come the second day, I was bored and wanted company while my husband was home with my daughter
But definitely not the first day. Sorry to type so much, but if feels good to get it all out 
Wow, thanks for sharing Angie. Glad it didn’t interfere with breastfeeding, but the experiences sound really stressful.
Nicole and Jenny, your responses, after reflecting on my own experience, make me want to have a home birth next time!
Angie and Casey, I found it interesting that you both were more ready for visitors with your second baby. I guess it’s true that not only every mom is different, but even each birth experience leads to different needs for a mom.
All Grown Up: Thanks for pointing out that it can be VERY helpful to have visitors when they are coming to help out with an older child or to bring food for you! I definitely don’t want to discourage anyone from offering, or receiving this kind of help. Friends dropping off meals for us was a lifesaver in the early days.
i was at my nephew’s home birth a week and a half ago or so. it was an amazing experience for all of us there–seems to make so much sense to do it that way. the midwives were so capable, and it seemed so comfortable (if you can call labor and giving birth comfortable…) for my sister, who could pace around her own house, lay on her own couch holding her brand new baby, crawl into her own bed afterwards, have people come to her when she was ready instead of having to pack up to go to the hospital and come home later. plus, it was a lot cheaper than a hospital birth…don’t know if that would be true in the states or not.
Lauren: thanks! do you have a link to your post?
I had a hospital birth with my son and didn’t have too many visitors. I actually expected to have a lot more visitors and wondered why some people didn’t come. In hind sight though I am glad that they let us have our space. There was one time though that my uncle and his wife and four kids all came to visit and stayed for what seemed like a long time. My son was already starting to fuss because he was hungry when they got there, but being a new mom I didn’t realize how much harder it would be to get him to latch if I put him off, and I also didn’t think they would stay as long as they did. By the time they left he was really upset and we had a terrible time getting him to latch, so I wish someone would have told me to make visitors wait until after a feeding if the baby was giving any hunger cues at all, rather than letting them visit first.
Since then I became a nurse on an OB unit and I make sure to tell my patients, especially new mom’s, that baby’s needs come first, especially when it comes to eating, and that if they ignore the early hunger cues the baby will make them pay for it later because an angry hungry baby is much harder to get latched on properly. I think if someone would have told me that I would have felt more confident in turning people away or cutting a visit short.
I so agree. I was in the hospital for my first birth. I hadn’t slept for three days leading up to my cesarean and then nurses were coming in and out and people were showing up to say hi and all I wanted to do was SLEEP and be with my baby. In fact I wanted to sleep so bad that I actually did send my baby to the nursery. It’s something I would never consider doing again but after the drugs from the Cesarean and the major lack of sleep I was a wreck. If I had known then what I know now, I would have not let anyone come to visit and I would have kept my baby in the room with me.
Hello Christina,
I speak from the relatives point of view – I wish I could have and would have stayed away (I didn’t and it did interfere!!) But I felt I should be there to help with emotional support – would my son have felt that we did not care? And I really did want to know that the delivery progressed smoothly. But then after delivery my son (the new dad) and new mom did not get “alone” time with their beautiful baby. Baby and mom had the briefest chance to nurse. Baby did spend a few minutes at the breast however latch was not achieved. I am sure the relatives were a big part of the reason. Now mom needs to pump, finger feed expressed colosturm, do lots of skin-to-skin, and practice each feeding with baby to get nursing off to decent start. This was the first grandchild for both sides – however that is not a good enough reason! I knew better! But the selfish part of me won over the sensible LC part of me. My efforts to be there and be helpful were in reality NOT helpful. Hope I learn this lesson and provide support by prayers and phone calls until new parents beg me to come for a visit.
Older and maybe wiser!!